


A Song for your Feelings

by Elydy138



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Multi, longing after someone, music inspired story, soft angst, working on feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-19 00:55:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17591675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elydy138/pseuds/Elydy138
Summary: Lance used to be sure of what his life would be made of. Finish school. Be a pilot. Discover some aliens and your name would be in history.The last part was mostly a dream. Sure, he did believe there was life outside Earth. But he never thought he would live long enough to actually witness it.





	A Song for your Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story inspired by lyrics, mostly, and I'm still working on it!
> 
> This one is "Youth" by Daughter 
> 
> Thanks to FrostyNarrator for beta reading! 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy it!

Lance used to be sure of what his life would be made of. Finish school. Be a pilot. Discover some aliens and your name would be in history.

The last part was mostly a dream. Sure, he did believe there was life outside Earth. But he never thought he would live long enough to actually witness it.

 

And now here he was, standing on the bridge of a giant castle ship, where an alien princess and her alien advisor were talking about some alien planet they were supposed to help with their Lions ships – also alien.

That was the moment where the realization came, and hit him full force.

You could have believed that a man who already spent two years in space was aware of his situation.

But no. It was at this very instant that suddenly, it clicked in Lance’s head. He was in _space. With aliens, fighting other aliens._ It was supposed to be the dream of his life, yet he could barely recognize it now. He was so entangled in a war he didn’t fully understand, yet he was fighting it, as a Paladin of Voltron. It was his duty. But he never asked for that. He wanted to be a pilot, but he wanted to be able to go back home, to his family, to Earth… 

But he couldn’t. He couldn’t anymore. 

As his thoughts began to drift away, always darker, Allura called his name. 

“Uh?” he replied automatically, but he seemed out of it. 

“Lance, are you alright?” 

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine. No problem.” 

She stared at him with a suspicious frown. 

“Please, stay focused, this is important.” 

“Yeah, sorry, I will,” he stuttered, a bit embarrassed. 

He fidgeted on his feet, suddenly nervous. Everyone was looking at him, and suddenly he wished he could disappear in a mouse’s hole. Even a space mouse hole would do at the moment. 

Before Lance could burst into flames of embarrassment, Allura and Shiro resumed the briefing without any further interruption. The others turned to the big screen as if nothing happened. But from time to time, Lance could feel glances on him. He tried his best to look as blank as he could. 

But the shadow was here, making him unease. He felt like an itch, crawling on his back.

 

Luckily, the mission went well and the team was welcomed as heroes in the city hall. As always, the big celebration took place and the inhabitants were more than happy to show their gratitude to the Paladins. But Lance didn’t feel like celebrate. He was in no mood to entertain people. So when he found an opening, he left the plaza, and went back to the Castle. 

From amidst the crowd, Allura and Shiro spotted him sneaking out the party. When she made a move as if to run to him, Shiro stopped her. 

“Give him some time. Whatever is troubling him, we’ll help him with it. But only when he’ll want it.” 

She looked at Shiro, back at Lance, but he already disappeared. So she gave in. She shot a dry glance at Shiro and got back into the party with a tense smile on her face. It made Shiro sigh, but he sucked it up and followed her there. 

Why wouldn’t she understand that going after Lance would only hurt him more? 

She wasn’t the one Lance was expecting. 

Even if he wouldn’t admit himself. 

*__________________________________________*

“ _Shadow settle on the place that you left_

_Our minds are troubled by the emptiness”_

*__________________________________________*

 

Lance wandered in the Castle at first, like he always did. But suddenly, nothing was interesting anymore. He barely stayed with Kaltenecker, passed by the lounge and the kitchen without even a look. He paced back and forth in the corridors, feeling restless. He thought about going back to the party, but brushed off that idea quickly. Whatever made him leave the celebration in the first place twisted his guts and made him feel very anxious. And for a reason he didn’t know, he couldn’t quite put a word on it. 

_Maybe I just need some rest. It’s been a long day_ , Lance thought. 

So he headed to the dorm’s bay, decided to fall in his bed and not waking up until noon. When he arrived near the corridor, something itched inside. He immediately froze, his eyes looking up as if drawn to something. The door right before his room. 

_Keith’s room_ . 

Or at least it used to be. Back when he was still a Paladin. It had been months now. Surely that stupid mullet was having the time of his life. Doing stupid missions with the Blades. Trying to stay alive, avoiding to get killed by explosion. Surely being praise by Kolivan because he was such a great element in their stupid group. 

_Just like in the Garrison._

Lance scoffed at that. 

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” 

He suddenly felt very upset, as if the thought of Keith woke up something unpleasant. He decided to pay a visit to Red. At least the lion was warming up to him now. At some point, Red stopped constantly testing him and accepted him. And he was pretty proud of that. He used to tease Keith with the fact Red got used to him quite fast, while Keith had to do months of “bonding moments” to reach that point. 

_Why am I thinking about him now?_

Lance mumbled for himself and quickened his pace. He tried to push the thoughts away, did his best to ignore the emotions crawling in the back of his mind. 

But again, the itching came. He turned his head and all of the sudden he was in the entrance of the training deck. He frowned. 

_How did I get here?_

He was about to step in the room when he heard the sound of metal clashing violently. It made Lance flinch, and something twisted in his guts. He slowly turned around, only to see a holographic projection of a fight. 

The first time he saw it, it freaked him out. But then Coran told them the IA in the training deck created regular virtual rehearsals, so it would improve its training sequence. And of course, who had the best result in close combat? 

_Keith freaking Kogane_ , Lance sighed mentally, bitter. 

He rolled his eyes at the thought. And by the moment he looked back at the training deck, it was empty again. Maybe he had just imagined the projection. Yeah, surely his mind was playing trick on him because he was tired and upset. Lance just shrugged it off and went back up the way to the hangar. 

Where Red was waiting for him. 

The closer he was to the Lion, the more clearly he could feel her presence in the back of his mind. When he opened the hangar’s doors, a shiver ran through his spine. 

_The doubt_ . 

It was always crawling back when he was about to reach his Lion. 

Would Red still accept him? 

Would he still be able to pilot? 

These questions haunted him since Blue rejected him. That was how he had felt, when Blue had shut him out. 

But as soon as this doubt started whirling in his mind, a soft rumble brushed his mind. Lance instantly recognized Red’s presence. He smiled at it, reassured. 

He walked into the hangar, finding Red already waiting for him. He ran to her, jumped in her jaws and climbed to the cockpit. Once arrived, Lance just let himself fall into the seat. 

“Can you believe that, Red? I’m not in the mood for a party! Since when did I became such a… grumpy...” 

He slowed down while saying the last word, the realization poking in the back of his head. Something clenched in his chest, and he folded his arms against his chest, as if to protect himself. 

“And here I am, _again_ , thinking about that idiot mullet. What’s wrong with me today?” he whispered, his voice cracking at the end. 

Red’s low purr touched his mind like a pat on the head, something very close to compassion. 

Lance sank down a little further in the chair.

“I miss my home, Red. I just wish I could go back, even to just say hi to them. They must worry so much and I’m just here, in the middle of space. I thought about it earlier and I felt sad and… _empty_. And as if it wasn’t enough, this stupid Castle has decided to upset me even more by reminding me of Keith at every damn corner. It’s just depressing...” 

A soft humming, images flashing in his head. Red missed her home too. She missed Keith too. 

That made Lance sigh. 

“We can’t help it, right?”

Suddenly, Red began to rumble, and the cockpit lit up. 

“Wha-” Lance slowly rose from the seat, but a sudden movement of Red shove him right back in, and he grabbed the armchairs for dear life. 

“Red! What are you doing?!” 

He tried to reached the controls, but they weren’t answering.

“Red!” 

The Lion launched from the deck and Lance began to really panic. 

“Red, stop! What are you doing?!” 

But Red didn’t answer, and left the Castle. Lance watched it happen, stuck in the pilot seat, but very not piloting anything here. 

He wanted to scream. He had already had a rough day. He didn’t need his lion going crazy to add to the pile. He tried to switch the commands, but Red wasn’t listening at all. 

So he gave in. It wasn’t like he had any choice at this point. 

The only thing that prevent a real panic attack was that he was most that certain that no former Red Paladin was trying to gain back control on Red. At least he had that? 

A gentle purr brushed his mind, and he sighed. 

“I hope you really had a good reason, Red.” 

But in the soft wave of emotions the lion sent to him, Lance also felt an urge in the touch. Something he didn’t quite understand. The closest thing he could compare was maybe… loss? Sadness? 

He could see space across the screen, just empty, black void all around him. He didn’t know how long he’d been there, just watching Red leading him wherever she wanted to go. 

He didn’t notice anything right away. There were some broken pieces of a ship, like it happened often in the universe. Things like that happen, right? So he didn’t dwell on it. But as Red moved forwards, he could see more and more of them. Twisted, burned shards of metal, all around them. 

Lance was suddenly drawn to a panel on Red’s console, the one telling him their position in space. 

At first, the numbers weren’t making any sense to him. But the more he looked at them, the more it nudged on a certain memory. And when Red stopped, when Lance finally  _really_ looked into it, it just clicked in his mind. 

They were at the exact place where they had defeated Zarkon. Or at least where they thought they had. 

But the scars of their battle still lingered here. 

Broken ships. Floating shards everywhere. 

A shiver ran down Lance’s spine. He didn’t like this place. 

“Red, why did you come here?” he said, looking around nervously “there’s nothing to see...” 

His voice trailed off, a weird feeling twisting his guts. Without knowing why, he felt the itch again. He rose up from the chair, got closer to the screen, and stared into the silent void. 

That was when he saw  _it_ . A blur of red in the middle of the dark. A humanoid form among the broken ships. The more Lance looked at it, more pressing was the thought that he  _knew_ this silhouette. Until finally, the person got closer to Red’s screen. 

Lance held his breath for a second. He blinked. Twice. 

But  _he_ was still there, on the other side of Red’s eyes. 

_Keith_ . 

“Red?! Why is Keith here? What is he doing?!” he hissed, trying hard not to panic. 

No answer. More like a feeling telling him “figure this out on your own”. Lance cursed under his breath, cursed himself for not wearing his armor. How was he supposed to drag this idiot back inside? 

Then it clicked. Again. Lance turned back to the screen, staring at the red shade outside. 

Keith was wearing his  _Paladin_ armor. Not the Blade one. 

And he couldn’t be wearing the Paladin armor, for it was safely packed into a chest in the Castle. Where Keith had left it. When he stepped down from being the Red Paladin. 

Lance brushed the console with his fingertips, his heart suddenly heavy. 

“It’s a memory, right?” he whispered as he watched “Keith” flying around a broken ship. He moved some metal parts out of his way, looked around quickly, threw the big shard back into the pile, seeming disappointed. 

“You watched him while he was looking for Shiro,” Lance said, finally understanding what Red wanted. 

A low, sad whimper echoed in his mind 

**Felt empty. Missed home. Missed family.**

Lance shuddered at that, feeling the weight of Red’s emotions through their bond. 

“Why are you showing me this?” 

**Not alone. Loneliness hurt Keith. Lance not alone. Red sad too. Red with Lance.**

He smiled, a sad smile. It was the first time that Red communicated with something so close to words, and they were heavy with sorrow. 

He felt the tears coming up to his eyes, but he didn’t want to cry. 

“I didn’t know you were missing him.” 

**Miss all Paladins. Miss Keith. But Keith still alive. Easier.**

Lance stumbled to the seat, fell in it, not even trying to steady his posture. 

“If he had stayed, you wouldn’t have reached out to me. You wouldn't have to put up with me, right?” 

**Red like Lance. Lance shining. Lance good Red Paladin.**

Lance huffed, but his throat tightened with emotions. A single tear escaped his left eye and rolled down his cheek. 

“I’m sure you say that to all your Paladins.” 

A giggly chime. A gentle, soft laugh. 

“We… we should go back now. Before the others notice that we’re missing and…” 

The screen suddenly shut down, and when it turned on again, the hangar appeared behind it. Lance let out a nervous chuckle. 

“You… we never left the Castle...” 

His breathing was heavy, and he was trembling. He wasn’t prepared to this, even knowing of what the Lions are capable of. He knew it could happen because Black did it to Shiro. 

But as the panic, the tiredness, and the sadness started to overwhelm him, Lance tried his best to swallow it all back. He didn’t need a breakdown. He could take this. This was nothing he couldn’t handle. He had seen worse. 

His eyes roamed the cockpit, trying to find any distraction. 

But there was nothing. 

His hands tightened their grip on the armchairs, and he let his head fell back against the seat, trying to quell the trembling of his body. 

The silence wrapped around him as a dark presence, and suddenly, Lance snapped. As a rubber band breaking between fingers, all the feelings he was trying to ignore crashed down on him. 

The nostalgia, the fear, the loneliness,  _ everything _ . He wished he had someone to talk to, that would listen to him, even just once. But what his existential crisis was, compared to the threat the entire galaxy was facing? 

He brought his legs against his chest, hid his face behind his knees. He felt the tears running down his face and falling on him. 

Just for one night, he needed to be just  _ Lance _ . Tomorrow he’ll be whatever the universe need him to be, but at this moment, all he wanted was to be able to mourn, to grieve. 

His chest burnt as if every breath was hot acid, his lungs were aching. He sank further into the chair, the soft purr of Red as his only solace. 

 

*__________________________________________*

“ _And if you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky ones_

‘ _Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs”_

*__________________________________________*

 

 

*__________________________________________*

“ _And if you’re still bleeding, you’re the lucky ones_

‘ _Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and there are gone”_

*__________________________________________*

 

Lance ended up falling asleep in the cockpit. He woke up in the middle of the night, startled by the gentle purr of Red. His whole body was sore, the result of sleeping on the floor. He stretched his numb limbs, yawned, and jumped lazily  to his feet. A quick check on the clock told him that he hadn’t sleep much, barely two hours. And since he hadn’t any messages in his com, he assumed the others were still at the party. He let out a sigh, brushed his messy hair with his hand. 

He thought about going back to his room and sleep ing the night away, but somehow he felt restless. As if the pain in his body was waking him up instead of tiring him. 

“Might as well do something, right,” he sighed to himself. 

Then he looked around him, the cockpit bathed in red light. There was something comforting about it. That way, he could feel Red’s presence even when she’s was silent. 

Lance brushed  against  the console softly, the tip of his fingers against warm metal, a smile on his lips. 

“Thanks, Red,” he whispered, He got a purr in response, a reminder that Red was never far away from his mind. 

When he jumped out of Red’s jaws, his eyes w andered to the Lion and  lingered a bit on it . But he felt reassured somehow, and he left the hangar with a lighter mood. 

 

Lance didn’t know what to do next. 

Should he go back to the party? He shook his head.  _ Still not in the mood. _

Should he go training then? He shook his head even harder.  _ Nope, not doing that. _

He could go to the kitchen and make something? Hunk would kill him if he made a mess again. 

He grumbled, thinking of any place in this castle where he could rest his mind for a while. 

Red did a pretty good job calming him down, but somehow he wanted to go somewhere more… familiar. 

“Maybe the pool would do...” he whispered to himself. 

And since he couldn’t find another idea, he just walked there. His steps echoed loudly between the metal walls. The sound just made the silence  _ louder _ . And Lance didn’t like silence. Didn’t like the memories it brought back to him. 

When he walked into the elevator, the itch came crawling back on his skin. He looked up as if drawn by some weird instinct, and his eyes found the trap door of the elevator.

He frowned. _Now it was getting old_ , Lance thought, a bit upset. He folded his arms against his chest and rested his back against the wall. 

He couldn’t shake that odd feeling again. At first he thought it was nostalgia, because he missed his family and his home. Then his brain started to mess around and made him think about Keith. And it was  _really_ bothering Lance now. 

The ping of the elevator snapped him out his thoughts. He tore himself from the wall, left the elevator and walked into the room. He looked up again, to the pool floating above him. The water’s reflects were dancing on the walls, bathing the room in a gentle light. 

Lance liked coming here. Reminded him of the beaches where he’d learned how to swim, the caves he had found while exploring the coastline. Happier times, where the fate of the Universe was an idea he didn’t even fathom. His childhood memories were full of moments with his family. It was no secrets that Lance missed his family. He was the one who complained the most about how he wanted to go home. But over the last months, he had tried not to whine about it. He did his best to keep it  to himself, keeping a strong face for the others. Not even Hunk had heard about it recently. 

So Lance made it seem like he was getting better. And judging by everyone’s reaction, he might have just manage d to fool them right. Yet the void left by his departure from Earth was a salty wound in his mind. He  had abandoned his home and he didn’t even know if he could come back one day. 

He thought about the people he  had  left behind. 

He thought the people who  had  left him behind. 

Once again, his mind was whirling around one name, always coming back to it somehow. How did it come to this again? Why his thoughts were always pulling him to Keith one way or another? 

The void he left when Keith left the team was just another wound in his soul. 

He stared at the quiet water, diving slowly in his thoughts. 

When Keith stepped down from being the Black Paladin, Lance took it as a betrayal. He had accepted him as a leader, had supported him and now… nothing. 

“I’m not meant to pilot the Black Lion,” Keith said that time. Lance tried to forgive, he tried to forget. But Keith was gone now. Now, Lance was the Red Paladin, the right-hand man of a leader who didn’t take him in consideration. His teammates were acting as though it were normal, but Lance felt like it wasn’t. Keith used to listen to him, despite their constant bickering. Which had somehow muted to something close to friendly teasing at some point. At that time, Lance knew where he stood. But now? He didn’t know where to settle anymore. He didn’t know if he could anymore. 

As the sudden realization slowly made its way in his mind, he felt the tears coming up. He didn’t want to cry again, but somehow, tonight was just too much for his heart. 

Too much absence, too much loss to think about. He wished he could forget. He wished he couldn’t feel this aching void in his chest. But is was there, and Lance already knew he couldn’t make it budge. 

So he sank, in the deepest, darkest part of his mind, and once and for all, let his heart scream. 

 

*__________________________________________*

“ __Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette  
A lifeless face that you'll soon forget  
My eyes are damp from the words you left  
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest”

*__________________________________________*

 

When Lance stood up again, his eyes red and burning, his throat aching and tired, he let that one thought sink in.

The itch he felt wasn’t only here to bother him with Keith. No, in fact, it kept reminded him of  _ his absence _ , of the silence he left behind. Just the same way Lance  had  left his family, Keith  had  left his home. 

And all of a sudden, the aching finally made sense. 

_ I miss Keith.  _

The words made it real. Made the feeling even heavier. The truth even more bitter. 

Under the dim light shining through the water, Lance drowned into the sadness and the nostalgia, accepting the feelings he rejected for so long. 

_ I miss Keith. _

The words were there, the painful realization burning it into his head. 

And crawling on his shoulder with a sly, crooked smile, the question  _ why? _ came to his mind. 

And for that one, Lance wasn’t ready to look for an answer. 

He curled on himself, his arms around his knees, and his chin resting on his elbow. He allowed his thoughts to drift away, far, far away from the Castle. 

To a warm house on Earth. 

To a pale face with piercing purple eyes. 

He missed his home. 

He missed his family. 

He missed Keith. Whatever it could mean to him. 

 

*__________________________________________*

“ __And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one  
'Cause most of us are bitter over someone  
Setting fire to our insides for fun  
To distract our hearts from ever missing them  
But I'm forever missing him

_And you caused it”_

*__________________________________________*

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you've like it, please don't hesitate to comment!  
> and if you have any suggestion for a song, I would gladly listen to it!  
> Thaaaaaaanks!


End file.
